Amiethinks

Change

2011-09-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

'No one likes change' i hear people at work say all the time. Im getting a tad bored of it hearing it now. It is true though that a lot of people struggle to deal and adapt with change, but then others embrace it and and thrive on an ever changing, ever evolving lifestyle. So actually its a false statement, and is too generic. I dont like change i always thought, but in hindsight that is all my life has ever dealt me - constant change, because thats life. And i always survive it and i always still smile, and i carry on. So maybe i am okay with it. In fact, if a job becomes too tedious, or too 'easy' i start to think about a new one. When a relationship starts to plod, i want to spice it up and inject excitement into it. If my home becomes heavy or mundane, i want to decorate and move the furniture around. So actually change is a really healthy and natural thing. But i guess it is when change occurs when you see no reason for that change. You are quite happy for that one thing to remain constant and grounded, that when something external comes along and messes it all up, that is when 'no one likes change' gets heard most. It is happening to me now at work. I have to move office. But there was nothing wrong with my last office. Nothing wrong with my last team. I am having to adapt and accept a new working environment just because. And i have no control. No say. And this is what its all about. As much as i understand why i hate the change the way i do, it doesnt make me feel any better, because it remains out of my control. Control. Change is okay when you are in control of it. Take the control out of the change and suddenly it becomes a trauma. Anyway just food for thought.

Friends With Benefits

2011-09-18T11:30:00.001-07:00

'Friends with Benefits' a concept i am seeing and hearing about far too often. I am curious to the origin of this new relationship phenomenon.

It appears that a new kind of relationship has been born, embraced and become an acceptable part of modern day society. But what exactly is it?

As far as i understand, it is an arrangement between two friends; that they will have a regular sex life together, but not enter into a 'commitment'. It seems the boundaries of this arrangement are blurred depending on the couple. Some will meet up, have sex, minimal conversation and then leave. Others will actively go out together, maybe even have dates, but still there is a line that says they are not in a 'relationship'.
So what has led people to behave in this way? What is the fear of commitment? Is it the fear of hurt and rejection? Is it about fidelity?

Theres a big part of me that thinks women are being liberated, by this new attitude that women dont always get clingy and attached, that they can be a 'jack the lad' just like any other man. In other scenarios i see men and women being taken for mugs because they are so desperate for attention and affection that they will fall into bed with another, and just accept that their new 'friend' doesnt want a relationship. Which to me screams weak and insecure.

Either way, expectations are changing...are people beginning to think that they have a right to expect sex on tap and not put in the effort to make the other person feel special? Is this laziness?

I do not have the answers and i have once been a 'friend with benefits'. My learning from that was, i was being taken for a ride, being used and abused and was not made to feel special, and begun to believe that i was not worth a relationship!

So any other people out there who may be considering this new type of relationship, i would say its up to you, maybe it can work for a time. But deep down, is that all you want or are you accepting second best because deep down you dont feel worthy of a commitment? Or is it because you are afraid of heartache?

2010-06-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

So....how does a person make a new life?

I swear

2010-04-09T16:51:00.001-07:00

After conversation with my brother....it struck me. Have i ever heard a swear word in a prayer at church? No.

Its interesting, because when i pray to God i have sworn quite a lot. There have been many times when all i can muster is.....'fucking hell god, what the hell is going on with my life...i need you to help me, like NOW!' Or....'i cant take this shit anymore!'

It makes me smile a little bit, as i know that God dosent judge me for this...i think he sees it as an honest, raw and real prayer. Im not trying to use big church words, or make any references to the bible, im just being me. And sometimes 'me' wants to swear, because it makes me feel better. And i dont care that my vocabulary is limited to the words used by modern society. At the end of the day this is the society i live in....and its the words that describe my feelings best.

I wonder how church would react to such an honest and open prayer? Well i guess it would be frowned upon. But really....its only 'modern society' that says the word 'fuck' is a swear word. God didnt write it, we did.

So from this, i think i will carry on with my normal prayers...God knows what i mean, even if someones else doesnt..at the end of the day...as long as im crying out to him and not a bottle of vodka...thats gotta be good eh? Even if i do say the word Fuck.

2010-02-17T16:36:00.000-08:00

I'm experiencing so many things at the minute....exhiliration, fear, passion, anger, love of all kinds.....

I am growing as a person, it takes time to learn who you are...i thought i knew who i was (at 21) and thats ridiculous. Will i ever know who i ever really am? Probably not. Ive learnt that im capable of so much, more than i ever thought i was capable of. We as humans are beyond our own thoughts. the complexicity of our souls, emotions, actions and reactions is beyond my own understanding.

I am enjoying this search, this realisation, that we have a gift. We have a mind, a heart, a soul that can reach great things, things so amazing we never could dream of it.

Dont ever be so arrogant that you think you are in control of yourself, that you know who you are.....you will never stop learning, never stop reaching, yearning for more....life is huge. So huge your mind cant contain it.

Enjoy every drop, every essence of the life you have now and dont give up until you find more and more. We are mortal, we have limited time - dont waste it.

Love

2010-01-08T07:09:00.000-08:00

Since recent circumstances i've really questioned Love and what Love actually is.

Some days i wake up and i think that true love doesnt exist, and other days i beleive whole heartedly that there is a thing called 'being in love'

There are so many types of love its hard to think of them all - first love, motherly love, friendship love, caring love, lustful love, brotherly love etc.... and im not sure what 'true love' is? Surely all of these types of love are all just as true and real? So when a person meets another and they 'fall in love' how do you know your not falling into one of the others - like friendship love for example?

I watched and episode of friends recently - the one where Rachel and Joey are trying to have sex but they cant because they are too close as friends - this made me think of church and the whole no sex before marriage concept.

As a young individul that has fallen in love with another but abstained from sex for two years, you develop a friendship that is so strong, it feels unbreakable. Expecially when youve gone through tough times together, fought against temptation and the alike. By the time you get to your wedding night - do you beome to much of a best friend to the other? To the point where to have sex with them becomes almost a bit strange and uncomfortable? Lust is a consuming intense feeling, and its the first emotion to feel when you meet someone knew - but we all know it doesnt last. So what happens then if you dont have the lustful love anymore and instead you have a frienship love?

I thought that Friends episode spelt out the problem with the No sex before Marriage concept perfectly. My issue with it is this - a wedding day is a just an expensive celebration. Marriage is a commitment.

Surely when a person says yes to another at engagement the comitment to the other is already made. Surely when you have started to trust the other completely the comittment is made.

Sex is a natural God given beauty. HE instills in us the desires and ability to enjoy a beautiful thing. Why on earth does the church then, go to such great lengths to prevent two people enjoying this God given experience?? There is an underlying presssure within church thats says its a sin - and yet preach that its not sinful?? A conflict of opinion in feel here.

I think there is fine line between all the types of love - i think i could love a husband in a motherly way, in a sisterly way, in a lustful way and in a friendship way - maybe then this is what makes 'true love; a healthy combination of all kinds of love. But if the balance gets tipped and you fall into one kind of love too much i.e lustful or friendly then i think the spell of true love can be broken,

I think its important for a human being to discover and experience all these kinds of love during a lifetime. Until then maybe a person can truly get to experience what 'True Love' really is?

2009-12-13T10:27:00.000-08:00

Something im learning recently is that life changes constantly. I realise that might sound like an obvious statement, but ive grown up looking for consistency and things that stay constant - family, friends, dreams, jobs et.....but when you think about it, all of those things have to change over time. No one ever stays in the same job, family can argue, you can lose loved ones at any given time. Friends come and go, and some stay around for a long time, but we are people. And people change.

Ive learned to love this now. I dont actually want constant. I want adventure!

I love that i dont who im gonna be next year, but i can hope that it'll be a strong, sassy confident woman that knows herself. I want to know myself inside and out, and understand my weaknesses, so i can change them to strengths. Again, change.

Im excited that he world changes around me beyond my control and i'll have to adapt, over and over to each environment, each experience that im in. Without change, we are stagnant creatures. Without change we are weak. We would be nothingness.

Moving On

2009-11-09T08:17:00.000-08:00

Well my last post was quite depressing, but a really honest description of where i am at, so i wont apologize for it. lol

Today i am more in control. (I think!)

I know what will make me happy. I know what i want and need. So today is the first day that i start pursuing the dreams, desires and needs of my heart. It is a scary prospect, an unknown world and there is no map, no guidelines to help me along the way.
I have to trust my instincts and pray that God will guide me along the way.

I will take a step of faith - the kind of step that can only be worth it, if God is there to carry you.

My biggest fear is regret. What if i make the wrong choice, turn the wrong direction and there's no going back? What if i get completely lost?

I grew up craving security, desperate for normality etc.... but im learning now that i love adventure too! In fact so much so, im willing to sacrifice the security i craved so much to get it!

God designed me with a hungry nature. A character that always needs to better itself, explore the world we live in and meet the people and the cultures that make up the universe! There is so much to see, to taste, to feel! And i want it!!!

My one question at the moment is this - what have i learnt about my journey so far?

Amie x

Get me out of here

2009-10-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

Today i felt so consumed by my situation, other peoples situations and how life has changed i just kept thinking - I wanna get out of here.

When i draw something and im not happy with it, i want to rub it out and start again. I might paint over it - either way i want to start afresh and draw again, with a fresh outlook, fresh inspiration etc...

Thats what i want to do now. I know i'm not happy, so lets start again. But the trouble is i dont know what i want to draw next. When i think about making changes to sort it all out i just stare at the blank canvas and dont know where to start, what colour to use and how big it should be or what brush i should use?

What kind of steps should i take to know what the picture will look like? What do i want it to look like? And what kind of sacrifices will i have to make it in order to get it? Is it even worth it - or do i put up with the picture that it is and hope that i can make enough alterations that i'll eventually be happy?

This is exactly the metaphor of my life today.

Where will i find my answers?

Amie x

Grass Greener the other side??

2009-10-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

Is the grass greener on the other side?

This is a phrase i have heard so many times in the last couple of months, i wonder where it originates from? It has been used in the context of whether life would be better if only i .....?
And i guess its a huge question. Is life really greener on the other side?! And will we ever know?

Some say its not, and others say it is. I guess it depends what your looking for, whether your the sort of individual who creates their own luck and opportunities and what your own experiences have been.

I guess it comes down to this question - Is there such thing as being truly content? Because if there is, then this question need never be asked. If we were truly happy with our lives, then we wouldn't consider any other way of living surely? Is it okay to always seek out bigger, better things for ourselves? Is it natural?

It seems to me that every where i look there is dissatisfaction. Even in the christian circles. People are always seeking more from church, more from God, more from friends, family, society and the list goes on....

Ive never taken too much time to consider it myself to be fair. But i know that deep down i have considered it. What if i had made different decisions? What if i had done things differently?

I think that i could have gone a hundred million different ways in life and that no matter which option i took, i would have come to this same place of 'what if' eventually.

If i was a famous singer, i might wonder what it would be like to live a 'normal' life, without the stresses of publicity, and fame. To know that your friends and lovers are there for you for who you are and not for your status.

If i was a mother, i might wonder what if i had no responsibility?

And if i still lived at home with my parents, as a single person, i might wonder what if i was happily married?

It seems to me that no matter what, our mind will always doubt what we have. We have an ingrown desire to seek out more and more and more. Whether it be money, career, friends, love, sex or faith we are insatiable creatures.

Is it right that only God can feed this hunger? Or if i look to the other side will i find that actually it really truly is greener??

I have always thought that the meaning of life is to be happy. And at other times i have thought its to serve God. There's no reason why these two cant fit together, but my point is, if the meaning of life is to be happy, and that if we are so desperate to find better and better, then surely we will never ever achieve this place of 'happiness'?

Does true contentment really exist? And if so, how can i get it?

Dreams

2009-10-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

These dreams have occurred once a month

The first month i dreamt that i was pregnant

The second month i dreamt i went into labour

The third month i dreamt that i gave birth

The fourth month i dreamt i was looking after my baby but was struggling to care for it

I always knew that dreaming about pregnancy was about expecting something in life. But to dream about a whole process of child bearing is unusual.

I wonder what it could mean? Dreaming of babies can often portray the feminine and nurturing side of a character? But there seems to be a basis behind dreaming these baby dreams?

2009-09-04T05:44:00.000-07:00

Hi there

I guess i can now welcome myself to the world of blogging! I always find myself wanting to pose a question, or explain the things that wizz round my head, so i realize quickly that blogging might just be the way forward! Have a look around and let me know what you think - i've only just set it up so bear with me! And i will look forward to the numerous discussions and thoughts that may come from it!

Amie x